Triggers and Relationships

Triggers and Relationships 

A compassionate, cooperative and loving approach.

An emotional trigger is said to have occurred when someone appears to have a disproportionate emotional response to an external event. 

The essence of a trigger is the triggered person's amygdala pattern-matching the current event with the stored pattern of a previous painful experience and recalling the emotions of the original event as though it were happening again, right now. 

For clarity, the triggered person is NOT really reacting to the current external event but reliving a past painful experience; it is internal to them and genuinely not about you; this is not just some trite platitude. 

Example. She says or does something innocent that pattern-matches an interaction between his mom and dad that he witnessed thirty years ago that caused him to believe that he was a bad boy and thus they divorced and abandoned him and it was all his fault. His emotions at the time included unworthiness, guilt, shame, terror, anger, resentment, defiance; the whole gamut of 'bad stuff'.

When he is triggered, in that moment, she is not dealing with a thirty-five-year-old account executive, she is dealing with a terrified and ashamed five-year-old boy who sees his essential love and support mechanism being stripped from him because he is bad, or inadequate. 

Inappropriate emotional response? Really? 

Well, yes, from the point of view of reality but he's not in reality in the present moment; he's reliving an historic fantasy. 

So, what is the solution? Getting angry at him and shaming his bad behavior? Actually replaying the historical event in the present? 

Her getting frightened, angry and disappointed at this apparently grown man behaving like a child is natural and understandable and may even trigger her. 

!!!BOOM!!! 

Now we really have an out-of-control situation. 

The answer to all problems is, of course, love. 

At some point, both will have calmed down enough for the core issues to be resolved if the parties are willing. 

Let's see what we know:

1. He doesn't deserve to be triggered. 

2. She doesn't deserve him to be triggered. 

3. She doesn't deserve to be triggered (if she is). 

4. He literally couldn't have behaved differently in that moment. 

5. She literally couldn't have behaved differently in that moment. 

6. He doesn't deserve to be shamed for his behavior. 

7. She doesn't deserve to be shamed for her behavior. 

8. He will continue to behave in this manner until his core issue is addressed. 

9. She will continue to respond to his behavior in this manner until HIS core issue is addressed. 

10. She will continue to respond to his behavior in this manner until HER core issue is addressed. 

11. Suppression is not a solution. 

12. Avoidance is not a solution. 

13. If a solution is not found the relationship will suffer. 

14. If a solution is not sought it will not be found. 

15. With love, anything is possible. 

If both parties commit to each other, the relationship, and working together to find a solution, this creates the space for magic to happen. 

There is no formula; just the commitment to open and honest communication towards a mutually beneficial solution.

Use as non-judgmental language as you are capable of and take ownership and responsibility for your own behaviours and feelings and act with both compassion for yourself and for the other person. 

You own your feelings and emotions. If you were entirely on your own on a mountain top you would still have feelings and emotions. They are yours. You generate them. You own them. You are responsible for them. 

We habitually say things like, "You MADE me feel… " without realizing that that is impossible. 

Emotions are now known to comprise peptides manufactured within YOUR body, released into YOUR bloodstream, and received and interpreted by YOUR brain. How did thy MAKE your organs produce peptides? Did she reach inside you with her hand and squeeze your liver? 

You can come up with a de-escalation plan for when one or the other recognises a trigger. 

Can you visualize how powerful a compassionately asked question like, "Are you feeling triggered right now?" would be? How long could trauma last in the face of such love? 

How about, "Forgive me. I think I'm triggered right now?"

Love is the answer! 

Best Workout Ever

I recently signed up for the 40+ fitness package shown in the screenshot and today I had my best workout ever, though possibly not in the way you think. I stunk, and it was great. 

Funk Roberts, our program coach, firmly makes the point that mindset is king and that it is important to know our why, to keep us motivated. 

I'm 66 and my 'why' includes looking and feeling good for the next 40 years rather than a slow, miserable decline over the next 20.

Today was day #3 of the program with day #1 being the first full HIIT workout and day #2 being either a rest day or Yoga, and I chose Yoga. 

I felt like shit today; I had no energy and my muscles were suing for divorce, but I fired up his 'follow along' video, determined to do my best. 

The clue to understanding this article is in the phrase 'determined to do my best'. 

The workout was called 'Crazy Eights' and consisted of eight sets of eight reps of five bodyweight exercises performed back-to-back with no rests. 

So! How did I do? Using conventional metrics, I stunk! I performed set #1 OK(ish); I completed set #2 though much slower than Funk; then I gave up. 

It didn't end there because by set #5 I had my breath back and joined in again, though, once again, more slowly. 

After another short break I joined in for part of set #7 before calling it a day. 

Pretty dismal, eh!? 

Imagine my surprise when I found myself walking up and down for my warm-down with a big smile on my face. Trust me, I was surprised. 

You see, for a while now I've been working on the relationship between my masculine energy and my feminine energy and it appears that today was the first demonstrative sign of progress. 

"Through a poor work-out?" I hear you ask. Well, kind of, yes. Let me explain. 

I signed up for this exercise course to improve my health and fitness, lose the belly fat and gain some lean muscle, and it uses Testosterone levels as the metric. Masculinity, right!? 

Well, plans and performance targets are masculine energy and in purely masculine energy terms today's performance was poor, but execution, listening to your body, and feelings are feminine energy. 

I. Did. My. Best. 

Not my best ever; certainly not as well as some others on the same program; and certainly not as well as possible for any human ever. But, my best, under the circumstances this morning, with the physical and mental resources available to me this morning. 

It is literally not possible to improve on that. 

Imagine I was driving a 1.2L Nissan Micra; what's its top speed? Google says 106mph/170kph. If I set a target of driving at 150mph/240kph how should I feel if I 'failed' and 'only' hit 106mph/140kph?

Pretty good, I would think. 

Was this as fast as when I drove a BMW? No!?

Was this as fast as that other guy in the Ferrari? No!?

Was this as fast as last year's F1 champion? Again, no!?

The fact that I got the maximum speed possible out of the Micra is impressive, regardless of the number representing that speed. 

My success was ORDINAL, not CARDINAL. 

This is just a wimp's excuse for poor performance, right!? NO! Absolutely not! 

I know I did my best under the circumstances because I was in the British Army for ten years and know what it is to try; try as hard as you can; to avoid jail due to the Sergeant's displeasure. I tried that hard. 

I realized later that my post-workout smile was due to having honoured my FEELINGS, a feminine energy metric, rather than a number, a masculine energy metric, and wasn't my 'why' about how I feel? 

If I honoured the masculine energy metric I would probably have felt like a failure, and, to be honest, that's what I expected to feel with those numbers, and that negative feeling would make it less likely that I would continue and, thus, succeed. 

By honouring the feminine energy metric of feeling good I not only tried as hard as I could but felt good as well. 

I am almost GUARANTEED to succeed if I keep on showing up and trying my hardest, aren't I? 

The moral of this story is that I am most likely to achieve my masculine targets by using feminine metrics. 

Using masculine metrics for my masculine targets would likely result in feelings of performance dissatisfaction leading to failure. 

Using purely feminine metrics of feeling good would likely mean never even starting. 

But together? They do say that behind every good man is a good woman. 😉

Onwards and upwards.