Triggers and Relationships
A compassionate, cooperative and loving approach.
An emotional trigger is said to have occurred when someone appears to have a disproportionate emotional response to an external event.
The essence of a trigger is the triggered person's amygdala pattern-matching the current event with the stored pattern of a previous painful experience and recalling the emotions of the original event as though it were happening again, right now.
For clarity, the triggered person is NOT really reacting to the current external event but reliving a past painful experience; it is internal to them and genuinely not about you; this is not just some trite platitude.
Example. She says or does something innocent that pattern-matches an interaction between his mom and dad that he witnessed thirty years ago that caused him to believe that he was a bad boy and thus they divorced and abandoned him and it was all his fault. His emotions at the time included unworthiness, guilt, shame, terror, anger, resentment, defiance; the whole gamut of 'bad stuff'.
When he is triggered, in that moment, she is not dealing with a thirty-five-year-old account executive, she is dealing with a terrified and ashamed five-year-old boy who sees his essential love and support mechanism being stripped from him because he is bad, or inadequate.
Inappropriate emotional response? Really?
Well, yes, from the point of view of reality but he's not in reality in the present moment; he's reliving an historic fantasy.
So, what is the solution? Getting angry at him and shaming his bad behavior? Actually replaying the historical event in the present?
Her getting frightened, angry and disappointed at this apparently grown man behaving like a child is natural and understandable and may even trigger her.
!!!BOOM!!!
Now we really have an out-of-control situation.
The answer to all problems is, of course, love.
At some point, both will have calmed down enough for the core issues to be resolved if the parties are willing.
Let's see what we know:
He doesn't deserve to be triggered.
She doesn't deserve him to be triggered.
She doesn't deserve to be triggered (if she is).
He literally couldn't have behaved differently in that moment.
She literally couldn't have behaved differently in that moment.
He doesn't deserve to be shamed for his behavior.
She doesn't deserve to be shamed for her behavior.
He will continue to behave in this manner until his core issue is addressed.
She will continue to respond to his behavior in this manner until HIS core issue is addressed.
She will continue to respond to his behavior in this manner until HER core issue is addressed.
Suppression is not a solution.
Avoidance is not a solution.
If a solution is not found the relationship will suffer.
If a solution is not sought it will not be found.
With love, anything is possible.
If both parties commit to each other, the relationship, and working together to find a solution, this creates the space for magic to happen.
There is no formula; just the commitment to open and honest communication towards a mutually beneficial solution.
Use as non-judgmental language as you are capable of and take ownership and responsibility for your own behaviours and feelings and act with both compassion for yourself and for the other person.
You own your feelings and emotions. If you were entirely on your own on a mountain top you would still have feelings and emotions. They are yours. You generate them. You own them. You are responsible for them.
We habitually say things like, "You MADE me feel… " without realizing that that is impossible.
Emotions are now known to comprise peptides manufactured within YOUR body, released into YOUR bloodstream, and received and interpreted by YOUR brain. How did thy MAKE your organs produce peptides? Did she reach inside you with her hand and squeeze your liver?
You can come up with a de-escalation plan for when one or the other recognises a trigger.
Can you visualize how powerful a compassionately asked question like, "Are you feeling triggered right now?" would be? How long could trauma last in the face of such love?
How about, "Forgive me. I think I'm triggered right now?"
Love is the answer!
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