The Collective - A short play by graham gambier

The Collective

A short play by graham gambier

THE SCENE:

The scene takes place in a drab meeting hall with a dais.

Tom, Dick, Harry, Jack, and Jill are in the audience, ‘the convenor’ occupies the dais.

MAIN ACT:

[The convenor stands and clears his throat]

CONVENOR: Thank you, brothers and sister, for attending this meeting of The Workers Union this evening to make a collective decision on the important issue of Proposition X.

As you know, Proposition X will affect all members of The Workers Union so it is essential that we make our collective decision properly.

Let’s start by calling the role.

Tom?

TOM: Here.

CONVENOR: Dick?

DICK: Aye.

CONVENOR: Bill?

[Silence]

CONVENOR: Anyone know where Bill is?

[Heads shake]

CONVENOR: Harry?

HARRY: Here.

CONVENOR: Jack?

JACK: Present.

CONVENOR: Ernie?

TOM: Ernie had to go to a meeting at his kid’s school. He sends his apologies.

CONVENOR: No problem. Jill?

JILL: Here.

CONVENOR: Bill and Ernie are missing, but we have enough people to make a collective decision.

Ok! Will the collective please identify itself.

[Puzzlement and confusion]

DICK: Errr! We are the collective.

CONVENOR: Who is, you Dick?

DICK: [Sheepishly] Not just me. Tom, Harry, Jill, we’re all the collective.

CONVENOR: OK! I see what you’re saying. You, Dick, you’re not the collective, right?

DICK: No.

CONVENOR: What about you, Tom, are you the collective?

TOM: No.

CONVENOR: Harry?

HARRY: Not me mate.

CONVENOR: Jill.

JILL: Nope.

CONVENOR: Shit! It appears that the collective couldn’t bother it’s backside to turn up for an important decision like Proposition X. Oh! well. Meeting dismissed.

[Agitation and discussion]

DICK: Proposition X is important to all of us. Me ‘n’ Harry were just saying why can’t we all make our own decision? As individuals, like.

[Nods of agreement]

CONVENOR: Anyone disagree with Dick?

[Heads shake]

CONVENOR: Right! I’ll ask each of you in turn whether you are in favour of Proposition X.

Tom?

TOM: Aye.

CONVENOR: Dick?

DICK: Aye.

CONVENOR: Harry?

HARRY: Not really sure, mate. I suppose so.

CONVENOR: Is that an Aye or a Ney, Harry?

HARRY: Errr! Aye, I suppose.

CONVENOR: Jack?

JACK: Nay. Absolutely not. If youse all adopt this ridiculous garbage it’s a game changer for me, mate. I’m out.

CONVENOR: Steady, Jack. Don’t blow a gasket.

Jill?

JILL: Aye.

CONVENOR: I make that Tom, Dick, Harry, and Jill for Proposition X and Jack against. Everyone agree?

[Murmurs of approval]

CONVENOR: Ok! I hereby declare Proposition X adopted as official policy of The Workers Union.

JACK: This is total bollocks! As I said, I’m out.

CONVENOR: I’m truly sorry you feel like that Jack. After all you’ve done for the union you’ll be sorely missed I can tell you.

Don’t be hasty Jack. All your comrades think it’s a good idea. They can’t all be wrong, can they?

JACK: You know I love these guys, but I just can’t live with Proposition X, I’m better off out. Anyway, where do you get off saying I’m hasty, I’ve given it loads of thought you tosser.

CONVENOR: OK! OK! Jack. Keep yer hair on, mate. If you’re determined to go, we can’t stop you. OK! lads, can we have a show of appreciation for Jack.

[All stand and applaud. Jack stands and heads for the exit]

HARRY: We still on for football Saturday, Jack?

JACK: Wouldn’t miss it, mate.

EXIT JACK STAGE RIGHT

CONVENOR: OK! comrades. Shame about the bloody collective eh? But, we seem to have done OK without it.

Any other business?

JILL: My brother-in-law, Tim, says he only never joined the union because we didn’t have anything like Proposition X in place. He might be interested now. Is it OK if I bring him along to our next general meeting.

CONVENOR: Sounds grand to me, Jill. Yeh! bring him along.

I declare this meeting of The Workers Union closed.

[All stand and head towards the exit]

CONVENOR: Anyone fancy a pint?

CURTAIN CLOSES